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'Grief is hard': Navigating loss during the holidays, one day at a time

'Grief is hard': Navigating loss during the holidays, one day at a time
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HUDSONVILLE, Mich. — It's the most wonderful time of the year, but for some families, it's also a season of grieving a loved one.

Back in September, Fox 17 spoke with Mike Hoekstra, a Hudsonville bus driver who was given weeks to live after being diagnosed with stage four colon cancer.

Mike passed away just two and a half weeks ago, at 49 years old.

“Grief is hard, like figuring out how you feel once someone passes away, no one really knows,” Mike Hoekstra's wife, Jennifer Hoekstra said.

Hoekstra lost her husband, Mike, on November 30 of this year, but she got more time with him than she thought, as Mike's prognosis of just a few weeks to live turned into 14 weeks.

“You know, it's funny, we were married for 26 years, and I said, I think we spent more time together in the last 14 weeks than we did our entire marriage,” Hoekstra said.

Hoekstra says Mike's cancer journey helped her family to appreciate the little things, but they also didn't shy away from difficult conversations. “We talked about it, we talked about life without each other," Hoekstra said. "We talked about how our kids were going to do without their dad.”

Hoekstra began grieving the loss of her husband while he was still alive, but the grieving process is different for everyone.

“So many times, we don't always know what we're looking for, but we're able to see a glimpse of glory and of hope and of peace and of joy,” Hoekstra said.

Now, days out from Christmas, Hoekstra says her family is not talking about the holiday, but rather just getting by. “I feel like we're a little numb, yet. We still have things to do," Hoekstra said. "Life goes on.”

Katie Mayberry, Bereavement Coordinator at Emmanuel Hospice, stresses the importance of giving yourself grace while you grieve. “Sometimes folks don't cry, sometimes they're angry, or they're numb, or they're isolated, or they're just wanting to be quiet or maybe be around others,” Mayberry said.

Grief can also surprise you, especially around the holidays. “There's pockets of joy while also feeling a tremendous amount of sadness," Mayberry said. "And some of those things are happening at the same time.”

For people wanting to support friends and family that are grieving, remember: you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be present.

“I hope that we have conversations about Mike, and we talk about all of the memories, and we play games in his honor," Hoekstra said. "He was a huge game player, and so for us to sit around the table and play games would be what he wants us to do.”

Hoekstra says that the best advice she can give her friends, as they support her while she's grieving, is to treat her like a normal person.

Hoekstra adds that a hug is often the best thing you can give someone when they're hurting. As Hoekstra continues to honor her late husband, she wants everyone to know it's okay to say your loved ones name out loud after you lose them.

In addition to Emmanuel Hospice, if you or someone you know is dealing with grief this holiday, there are other resourcesavailable.

There's also Ele's Place, which has branches in Grand Rapids, Lansing, Flint and more. It's a healing center for grieving children, teens, young adults and their families. Each week, peer-to-peer bereavement support groups help hundreds of people learn to cope and begin to heal after the death of someone close to them.

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